PMS: Paranoid Malicious Syndrome

To all men out there, married and unmarried:

There will be times when you will find the women in your lives snappy, irrational, paranoid, fight-picking and just flat-out bitchy. The answer is PMS. It is at those times when you must submit and, if possible, flee!

Do not try to make reason out of it; do not try to talk sense into them; do not try to ‘solve’ whatever emotional problem they may blame it on.

Whatever you say or do can and will be held against you. It is a lose/lose situation.

You can’t blame us. It’s really not our fault. You would be psychotic too, if your hormones were all over the place. Top that off with cramps, a headache, bloating, and extreme mood swings- you’ll end up with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde right before your very eyes.

What, you men, have to do is try to remain calm, try to ignore nasty remarks, or paranoid behavior. Most importantly, whatever you do, whatever you do- DO NOT ASK IF SHE HAS PMS!!! If that question slips out of your mouth, be prepared for war. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way it is. That is, for some reason, in our psychopathic PMSing minds an outright attack. So brace yourself. Let me tell you- you cannot win a battle with a woman with PMS. She’ll bite your head off if she has to.

Trust me- I’m a woman. This information comes first-hand. Not only this, but I’ve had a woman boss before who had PMS 365 days a year.

My husband has mastered the art of dealing with this senseless syndrome. He won’t waste his time or energy on it any more. He has decided to completely avoid me at those times. Plan a business trip out of the country. Spend really long days at work. Have a guys’ night out. Smart guy.

Don’t believe me? Here is a typical PMSing day:

7:00 am Dr. Jekyl wakes up…

Him: Good morning, honey.
Me: Mmm. (What do you mean ‘good morning’? Can’t you see how horrible the world is?)
Him: Would you like to go out to dinner tonight with X and X?
Me: No. I hate going out with them. They’re so boring.
Him: (What the fuck?... )...But you had so much fun with them last time!
Me: So, I’m lying now?
Him: Huh? I didn’t say you were lying. I’m just surprised.
Me: Fine. Go by yourself.
Him: No. I asked if you wanted to go together.
Me: It’s OK if you don’t want me to go. I don’t wanna go anyway.
Him: I’m late for work. I’ll talk to you later.
Take the emergency exit! Get out now!


Later 11:00 am Mr. Hyde calls husband

Me: Hi honey. I just called to say ‘I love you.’
Him: Hello? Who is this?
Me: What’s wrong, sweetie? I feel really emotional over you and I just wanted you to know how much I love you.
Him: Mumbling… Yeah, I love you, too.
Me: When are you coming home, sweetie? I can’t wait to see you.
Him: I’m gonna be really late tonight. I have a meeting that starts at 9:00 pm.
I hang up and cry because he doesn’t wanna be with me… Aaaa….


11:30 am Meeting With My Boss

Boss: I was thinking maybe we change the concept of the brochure a bit…
Me: We agreed on the concept a month ago.
Boss: Yeah, but I was thinking something along the lines of…
Me: But the agency is already working on several options in this direction.
Boss: I’m not so sure about it.
Me: Well, I gave you several options initially so see what you want and choose one. Khhhhh almost emitting a hissing sound


5:00 pm Dr. Jekyl receives a phone call from an annoying relative

Her: What are you doing?
Me: Bribing my son with candy so that he volunteers to go to the bathroom without me probing every 5 minutes
Her: You finally started giving him candy?
Me: How are your son’s decaying teeth? That chocolate he eats every day can’t be helping. Khhhhh hissing


6:00 pm Mr. Hyde calls her best friend.

Me: I miss you. I feel so depressed.
Her: I miss you too. What’s wrong?
Me: Everything. Everyone is such an asshole.
Her: Are you PMSing?
Me: Forget it. I have to go. Bitch.
I hang up and tear up… Aaaaa… again.


Dr. Jekyl decides to spend the evening in solitude feeling sorry for myself, drowning in self-pity. I watch TV, because I am too exhausted to do anything else and because this will be the least amount of stress, conflict and hurt that the evil, hurtful people all around can conflict upon me.

6:30 pm: I Watch ‘Pet Rescue’ on Animal Planet, sitting buried upto my knees in used tissues, sobbing hysterically at the story of the cat who lost its eye

7:00 pm: I chuckle at a re-run of Friends playing, then somewhere along the way, the laughing dissolves into weeping because Ross and Rachel make up

8:00 pm: I watch an episode of Oprah and bawl regardless of what the topic is….

9:00 pm: I retire to bed because I cannot bare this cruel world we live in any more and because I convince myself every time that I am not PMSing and that everyone is an inconsiderate asshole.

Next day 7:00 am: Mr. Hyde wakes up. What a wonderful day! I open the window to hear the birds chirping.

WANTED: A White Bride

Yesterday, I saw this elderly man who looked so familiar. I couldn’t remember at all where I might’ve met him… Was he someone I knew or did he look like someone I knew?... Was he a friend of my Dad’s or someone I know’s grandfather? Suddenly, it hit me!

Flashback: September 2000, aboard Egypt Air flight.

I had just boarded my plane, found my seat, placed my hand baggage in the compartment above and settled in my seat. Finally, a chance to relax.

The plane took off and I started to search through the movie menu to decide which movie I was going to kick back and watch. It had been a really stressful couple of months at work and this seemed like my first chance in a long time to unwind without feeling obliged to toil towards finishing my never-ending to-do list.

Luckily, the seat beside me remained empty which made me feel even more peaceful without having to sit beside one of those suicide-inducing snorers or one of those people who fall asleep on your shoulder, or hog up the arm shared between the chairs.

I put my headphones on and fiddled with the channels when I was interrupted by this elderly man. “Fi 7ad a3ed hena?” (Is anyone sitting here?)

My first thought is ‘Damn! YES! Go away!’, but I the man was so old and grandfatherly that I just couldn’t let him down. He looked more like someone I’d like to give a big grandfatherly hug to. “La’a etfadal.” (No. You may have it.)

I remove my magazines from the empty seat and he slowly sits down. I put my headphones back on, not as unwound as I was a minute ago, but what the hell. He disrupts my thoughts again, “Enti metgaweza?” (Are you married?)

So, I think this sweet little grandpa is making conversation, may not be a very tactful start, but probably in the way Egyptian adults think, this is a very normal question, one they seem to concern their selves with very much. “La’a” (No.)

He proceeds. “Makhtouba?” (Engaged?)

“La’a.” (No.)

Grandpa starts getting carried away… “Metkharaga? Menein?” (Have you graduated from college? From where?)

I don’t want to embarrass him, as sometimes old people have the tendency to lose focus of what they’re saying. I reply.

He goes on with the interview, “Babaki beyeshtaghal fein?” (Where does your father work?)

OK, now Grandpa is getting nosy. I despise nosy questions. So, not wanting to be rude or aggressive, I give a stiff face and lie to avoid answering. “Babaya tel3a 3la el m3ash.” (My Dad’s retired.)

The old man doesn’t take a hint, and pursues his game of 20 Questions. “Enti beteshtaghali?” Man, this is no way to make conversation! Lay off already!

I answer abruptly, “ah.” (Yes) I put my headphones back on, trying to show through my discontent body language that this conversation is no longer welcome and that I am starting to get offended, not to mention freaked out. Sweet little Grandpa is quickly becoming horny old pervert.

This does not stop him. Questions start coming at me like bullets.

Next, he starts to advise me how women belong at home and that they should not work because women’s goals should be to get married, have children and mind their homes and raise their children. I’m not even about to get into this debate, so I try to cut it short, with a quick, “Kol wahed loh tareeka.” (Everyone has his own way.)

“Enti mamtek agnabeya?” (Is your mother foreign?)

Now I’ve gotten used to the curiosity of Egyptians as part of the culture, with the prying questions all too familiar, but it was high-time to stop this interrogation. I gave it to the dirty old man. “Howa hadretak beteskalny kol el asela di leh? Ana ma3rafsh hadretak ashan arod ala kol el asela di.” (Why are you asking me all these questions? I don’t even know you to answer all these questions.)

He immediately takes a defensive position, making me feel guilty just with his expression, even though he was way out of line and in his defense, explains, “Asl ibn okhty beyeshtaghal fil seoudeya, modeer kebeer, we beydawar 3la arousa beida helwa, fa ana shoftek we olt agi ashan law fi naseeb…” (My nephew works in Saudi Arabia; he’s a big manager and he’s looking for a pretty, white bride, so I decided to come over to see if there’s any chance of fate…)

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to tell him to go away! People do the strangest things. Was he going to pick him up a bride from an airplane, and maybe stop on the way home and pick up some tomatoes, too?

Basically, I told him that I do not believe in arranged marriages and am very focused on my career and am not interested in getting married… and well, he went away… and so did my would-be de-stressing session.

My Dear Husband,

My Dear Husband,

This is to request that you erase the conversation we had last week from your memory. It is now clear to me that I was hallucinating, babbling and uttering pure non-sense. I must have been possessed by a wicked demon that made me say those things. I am now clear-headed and rational and I beg you to obliterate that thought.

After we had already agreed over two years ago that one child is enough, I made a feeble-minded suggestion that we re-open the subject and reconsider this. I romanticized about having two children, and how we need to provide our son with a sibling so that they would be there for each other in this cold, lonely, harsh world.

We discussed the whole sibling value issue and decided it would be best that we probably do have another child in maybe 5 years. Not only for that reason, but we decided it would be best to have another one, for a more selfish reason that we agreed not share with any friends or family members- that reason is just in case one turns out to be an asshole, we have another kid- for own egocentric purposes.

Today, I am turning in my resignation.

After 7 days of me and our son both being sick and home together, tired, energy-less and fussy, topped off with toilet training- I have lost patience and I quit!

Today, all the pain of raising a child came back to me… the days before my big break- the nursery… the whining, the crying, the “I don’t wanna’s”, the irrational temper tantrums…, everything. It all came back to me. I was there- feeling like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, like life will never get any easier.

I was reminded of every agonizing moment, every sleepless night and it became clear to me. I am not cut out for this job. I do not take it lightly. I put my entire essence into every detail, into every sneeze, every diaper change, every ouch and it is so draining. It is so wearing. I cannot do it all over again. I got by miraculously the first time and I simply will not be able to relive it all again and start from scratch. I would lose my mind! Honestly.

Now most mothers will give you some shit about how raising a child is a delight and it is such a joy. What a crock! Raising a child is hectic, draining- especially if you’re anything like me and insist on doing everything yourself.

I have never had any part-time or full-time help with child care. I dedicated every second to our son after he was born. The only break I ever got after he was born was a few months ago when he started going to the nursery. I chose to put him in the nursery so that I would get the peace of mind that in turn, would allow me to give him quality time. It was only then that I even started working again, and I chose to work part time, also to dedicate my time and mind to him: my priority. I chose to put my career on hold so that he would get all my focus and attention and know how valuable he is to me.

Us, mothers, never get a day off, not even an hour off. We don’t have holidays, we don’t have vacations, we don’t get sick days, we cannot sleep in. We do not get any compensation for sleepless nights. We don’t get any Thank You’s. We get a lot of Fuck You’s, however.

This is how I feel on days like this. God help me through them. In spite of all this, my child, is undoubtedly the light of my life. I guess that’s the high price we have to pay to raise what will become decent, honorable men.

So after careful consideration, I take back my suggestion. One is more than enough.

Sincerely,

Your Wife.

Wish List

I always believe in the saying, "Be careful what you wish for, because it just might come true..."


1. I wish I could travel to each and every country and city within it on the globe… well, most of them.

2. I wish I had more time to spend with the people I love the most.

3. I wish that my best friend and I would stop drifting further apart, consumed in our now very different lives.

4. I wish that people would question matters and follow their inner voice.

5. I wish I could do intensive full time charity work for an entire year, without disrupting anything else in my life.

6. I wish I could dance like Britney Spears (even though I can’t stand her music).

7. I wish my husband and I could bumb around and explore the Far East for 6 whole months (That’s barely enough time).

8. I wish I could live in the States again, if only for a year.

9. I wish my son will grow up to be open-minded, tolerant and cross-culturally intellectual.

10. I wish that one day when my son is married (in shaa Allah), that my daughter-in-law likes and befriends me.

11. I wish I had the time, inspiration and peace of mind it takes to start painting again. It’s been ages!

12. I wish I had more time to play with my dog. I hope she knows how much I love her anyway.

13. I wish I can teach my child to love and accept himself for who he is. This is the greatest gift a parent can give a child.

14. I wish I had more patience for my brother.

15. I hope my parents know just how much I do love them. I moved away once I graduated from college to pursue my career; I had to build a brick wall around my emotions to be able to bear it- now it’s hard to let it down. I don’t want to see my Mom cry.

16. I wish my Mom knows to what extent I mean it when I tell her she deserves to have a statue built in resemblance of her strength and endurance. I don’t think I could’ve handled the things that have been thrown at her in life.

17. I wish people would see that money really does tear families apart. I’ve seen the closest people turn to sworn enemies through family business problems. It’s the dirtiest, dirtiest demon.

18. I wish I didn’t have to get PMS every month and become a paranoid psychotic! (So does my husband!)

19. I wish I had the self-confidence in big groups that I have within myself.

20. I wish I could meet Oprah.

21. I wish I could work as a journalist for some time. (and had the time and freedom it takes to do it)

22. I wish I could stick to my word and do aerobics every day for one hour.

23. I wish I could write poetry again like I used to and deal with my emotions (if I wasn’t so drained every day from working and the patience child care sucks out of you)

24. I wish I had me-time every once in a while (or any at all)

25. I wish I could go back to being 15 and going to concerts every weekend, always living for the next concert!

26. I wish that my big college group were more accessible and less complicated than we've all become.

27. I wish we could have sleep-overs with my best girlfriends like we used to all the time.

28. I wish we could do more of what we did in college. Those were the best days.

29. I wish I could go on a 2nd honeymoon with my husband- with no kids and no chores.

30. I wish my son will always look up to me and not hate me when he’s a teenager.

31. I wish Egypt would move forwards.

32. I wish that people were sensible and could actually put a stop to terrorism by discussing and reasoning.

33. I wish the world was a safer place.

34. I wish Islam’s reputation had not been damaged by the lunatics polluting its name.

35. I wish I can make a difference in the world, however small.

36. I wish I could save enough money one day to open an orphanage.

37. I wish I can maybe have another kid one day AND afford to put both my kids in the best schools in Egypt.

38. I wish my husband and I had more date nights.

39. I wish a lot of people would get their heads out of their asses and start seeing things the way they really are.

40. I wish I didn’t have to deal with judgmental people- ever.

41. I wish that the extent of self-righteousness, self-superiority that’s becoming shocking in people would disappear.

42. I wish there were more good people in the world.

43. I wish people would smile more often.

44. I wish people would say something nice when they do have something nice to say. You cannot imagine how it can change someone’s day!

45. I wish people would keep quiet rather than say something mean or nasty to someone.

46. I wish that if I ever have another kid, they come out 3 years old, with communicational skills, toilet-trained, and I can pick up from there. I dread the thought of dealing with a new-born baby again.

47. I wish we lived in a hut on the beach and owned only a swimsuit, pair of shorts and a t-shirt and maybe flip-flops. (with our cat and dog, of course)

48. I wish that my parents lived in the hut next to ours. (My parent's dream life also)

49. … and that my best friend lived in the hut next to that one. (Her dream life, too)

50. I wish it was summer all year long, with a few days of spring.

51. I wish someone would cut my ex-boss down to size! She’s such a sadistic bitch!

52. I wish that I never upset or lose connection with God and to always feel His presence in my life.

53. I wish my husband would pray.

54. I wish my son will never get sucked into religious extremism. There are so many loonies out there now!

55. I wish I could say ‘I don’t care’ and really mean it.

56. I wish some people didn’t have inferiority complexes and always try to prove how much better they are than you.

57. I wish I didn’t have to be such a perfectionist in everything. It’s so exhausting.

58. I wish I was more athletic… or athletic at all.

59. I wish I could rescue each and every sick, injured or hungry stray animal I come across and gather them all in a closed retreat just for me and them, where I would care for them myself at my own high standards.

60. I wish Egyptians would have the luxury to know what it's like to have rights, and the confidence to act upon it.

61. I wish there was someone to take responsibility, take charge and more importantly, take action when a higher authority is needed to interfere.

62. I wish my son will always have a conscience. If he has a conscience, I needn’t worry about anything else.

My Friend at Khan El-Khalily

My husband and I went to Khan el-Khalily this weekend. I love that place! You get a taste of real Cairo. We were there until 2:00 am, and everyone is still wide awake, the restaurants are still serving. Now THIS is the city that never sleeps.

As we were walking through the narrow alleys, I discovered this tiny little puppy- couldn't have been over 4 weeks old, huddled under some shredded cartons. I lured him out, and he was adorable! He couldn't believe anyone even noticed he was alive! I kept asking the shop keepers where his mother was, if he had one, and they said she's around, but completely ignores him. The poor thing was abandoned.

I spent a while with him, playing with him and he was ecstatic! He was jumping all over my hands and flipping over on his back, showing his belly.

If I didn' already have a cat, dog and child, he would've been a new member in our family! My husband had to practically drag me away, telling me to forget it, and this is probably the 1000th time I've begged him to take another pet home. I always end up devastated!

I later brought the puppy left-overs after we had dinner, here is a picture of him chowing down! (You can't really tell, but he's no larger than 2 palms (not mine because they're too small) put together.

A cat came over and tried to steal his food, you should've seen that pup! Suddenly this helpless little puppy turned into an agressive, defensive lion! For these unfortunate strays, it's all in the name of survival. This little guy had attitude! He barked at the cat and chased her a few feet down the alley. He scared the hell out of her! I was so impressed and proud of my new little friend.(This is one of those extremely rare instances where I will be joyfully saying something about someone scaring a cat away. )

xycligpra

What is with these word verification thingies?! You know... the ones for posting comments on blogs...

These things are becoming more and more impossible. I feel like I'm failing an eyesight examination. I can't see where some of the damn letters end and the next begin... and I've got 20/20 vision! It's like trying to solve a puzzle just to write a comment.

A Toddler and A She-Man

Last week we went to have lunch in a hotel restaurant. My son had something gooey (probably the remains of some stale candy he discovered in his car seat) all over his hands, so I took him to the rest room to wash his hands.

My son is usually very well-behaved, but it’s really difficult for a toddler not to release uncontrollable outbursts during certain situations.

As he was washing his hands, I noticed he was very distracted and not being the maticulous germ freak (a quality he inherited from his mother) that he usually is. He was staring in the mirror, not at himself, looking utterly astonished. I took nothing of it and finished off washing his hands. As we turned to head towards the paper towels, he stood straight in front of this very strange-looking woman and said in the loudest voice possible, pointing a finger straight at her, “DA EH DA YA MOMMY? DA SET DA??” (What is that, Mommy? Is that a woman?)

I then came to notice the woman my son had been so mesmerized by during the course of washing his hands. She was a very odd-looking woman, very tall, very big-boned, and very unattractive; hiding her unattractiveness under piles and piles of red, blue, pink and every other color on the makeup pallet she could find. She had very striking manly facial features.

I don’t like to make fun of unattractive people, but she did look pretty scary, I have to admit. A She-Man. Really, she could’ve been a man with a sex change.

I could not find anything to cover up what my son just said. That must’ve really hurt her feelings. I scurried him out, pushing him from behind before he embarrasses her any further or before she bites his head off (whichever would come first, I didn’t want to wait to see it).

We had just made it to the door of the rest room, almost safe, when he hastily turned again and pointed directly at her again, topping off the episode by shouting, “DA EH DA YA MOMMY? DA SET DA WALA EHH?” (What is that, Mommy? Is that a woman or WHAT??)

Needless to say, I was in ze middol of my cloze (Kont fi nos hodoomy)-... An Egyptian saying meaning I was extremely embarrassed. My blameless son could not understand why Mommy could not stop laughing hysterically after we left the bathroom. This was a classic!

More Idiot Encounters

Why? Why me? Why must I be subjected to these idiots?

It's not me, it's them... but it can't be, because there's so many of them... so it must be me.

I had another one of my many run-ins with another security guard today.

You see, these things get under my skin so much and seem so minor to bring it up in a conversation without being seen as 'el weleya el magnoona' (crazy lady), so I have to let it out.

Bare with me.

I was home and I heard this cat meowing rythmetically, as if she was calling out for help, or desperately hungry. In all cases, to me, this is a calling. Of course Crazy Lady (me) put some left-over food in a disposable plate and hurriedly my her house, walking down the pavement following the meowing sound.

I wanted to find her and help her so badly and at the same time, I didn't want to scare her. Finally, I spotted her. She was so cute. I slowly approached her, reached my hand out and she froze. I spoke to her very softly, very gently to come to me, trying to gain her trust. Her tension started to ease, giving me the green light to approach. I let her sniff my hand and gradually started stroking her. I then noticed she had a flea collar on. Poor baby. She's probably lost.

I spotted the security guard assigned to that street and approached him. I said, 'fi ota tayha labsa tok hena. Ma7adesh sakalak 3ala otta?' (There's a cat with a collar on here. Has anyone asked you if you'd seen a cat with a collar on around?)

Well, kick me in the ass for trying. Well, what else was I gonna do? Nothing? No way! Well, it would be just a question. If it helps, great, if it doesn't, at least if someone did ask, now he could tell them where the cat is. Besides, I've managed to get a few lost cats back to their owners before anyway! So here goes:

He looks at me with this silly grin and says, "aslan ma 7adesh beydawar 3la otat." (No one would search for a cat.)

I said, "el otta di beta3et 7ad. labsa tok." (This cat belongs to someone, she's wearing a collar.)

Him: "Labsa ehhh?" (Wearing what?)

I didn't realize that would sound so shocking and amusing.

Me: "Labsa to-ok. Y3any monkin tekoon tayha." (She's wearing a col-lar, meaning, she's probably lost.

Him: "Aslan ma 7adesh be7ot otta fi beito ashan monkin tenot men el shebak." (No one ever keeps a cat at home because she could jump from the window.)

What the fuck??!! How the fuck did we end up in a debate over whether people can have cats as pets or not??! urrggh.. Why me???

Me: "Ana baskalak law 7ad sakalak 3la otta. Khalas. Shokran." (I'm asking you if someone asked about a cat. Thank you.)

I went on doing my thing, offering the cat food. He still didn't leave and return to his post. Instead, he stood and stared like a s3eedi in Las Vegas with his jaw hanging open. Then he started to bend over and very untactfully tried to grab the cat saying, "Law 3yzaha, khodeeha 3ady." (If you want her, take her.)

I couldn't help but snap. I said, "Enta hatokaf tetfarag? Ana sakaltak sokal wenta radeit. Khalas, emshy ba'a. We b3adein ana ma talabtesh menak nasaye7." (Are you gonna stand there and stare? I asked you a question and you answered. Now go away. .. and besides, I didn't ask for your advice.)

He looked at me like the crazy woman I am, and walked off. I still don't care. I'm still gonna do my thing... even if it's not them, and it is me.

So Moving...

This song is amazing. Every word of it moves me.

I saw James Blunt perform it live on TV with tears in his eyes and since then, every time I hear it, I can hear the emotion in his voice.

Goodbye My Lover- by James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to beI've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.