Fade Away
I promised myself it wouldn’t hurt. I promised myself it wouldn’t bother me. I promised myself it was too late and too much had happened to begin hurting. But I was wrong.
I can’t believe I’m actually crying. I thought I had gone numb over it permanently. It had been clear for a long time now. I was just in denial. Strange. Carmen wrote a post about this recently. The same thing. I read it and thought that I didn’t go through the same stages she spoke about but I was just shoving it aside, blocking it out. Until today. That was the last straw.
It’s over.
I have this uncontrollable urge to call her up and lash out at her. Bring up the past, bring up every single thing. It wasn’t what she did, it was what she didn’t do. How could you go from being soulmates and understanding every unspoken word, feeling every suppressed emotion, to bland nothingness? How could you go from years of spending every single minute together and practically residing at each others’ houses to this eerie void?
I want to throw up. Literally. I feel sick to my stomach, the kind of sick that you get if you’ve just been dumped by a boyfriend or rejected by a crush.
I reacted very passive aggressive today. I dropped a hint to show I was annoyed but I did not directly confront her. Why? I’m very straight-forward usually.
I know why. What good would it do?
Would it make amends? Don’t think so.
Would it bring things back to the way they used to be? Never.
Would it fill in the gaps from things un-said and un-done? Impossible.
Would I be even willing to try after that? No.
It wouldn’t be the same.
What would’ve happened?
She would’ve put me on a guilt trip, blaming me for loading this on her after all she is already going through and how ‘miserable’ she is. She would’ve turned the table on me and made it all seem that it was me who was not there, who did not do, who did not say…
She would’ve had a nervous breakdown following the confrontation and I would feel like shit.
Whatever is bad now would become hideous. Whatever is left of our now insipid friendship turned bitter, spiteful and ugly. Too many people would get involved. Too many people would not understand. Too many people will talk too much about something with so little to do about it. Too many people will make too much of something that is beyond repair.
I believe that anyone who wants to do something, can. Anyone who wanted to be there, anyone wanted to see someone.
Since when did my down-to-earth, simple, free spirit friend become one of them? Since when do we care about Yves Saint-Laurent bags that cost $3,500! Bite me. For the love of God, there are people starving.
Since when do we care about seeing and being seen? Since when do we care about what ‘they’ say? Since when do we judge people? Since when is a person deemed ‘good enough’ by a quick up and down evaluation? Since when can we not attend a wedding if our dress is no less than an Escada? Since when do we name drop?
I guess there is no more ‘we’.
She now lives in a world which I despise, a phony world with phony pleasures and phony friendships. A shallow world based on fraud. I find no appeal in this, I feel no desire to be part of it. On the contrary, it repulses me.
I’ve lived a life a lot of them would never dream of living, spiritually and materialistically, but I am humble enough not to brag about it or walk around flaunting it. It does not make me who I am. It does not put value or worthiness to me. No one will stand at your grave and say, “Allah yer7amha. She had some nice diamond rings.”
Money comes and goes. People don’t.
I keep picking up the phone, feeling the adrenaline run through my veins, then thinking, “What is my goal?”, and putting the phone back down again.
She’s ruined my day. I cannot function and I cannot get my work done. Just when I was thinking, “30 is such a comfortable age. You no longer worry about what people think. You no longer feel the need to win acceptance or belonging.” There is this comfort with one’s self that comes with being 30, sense of self-loving and self-acceptance. A sense of fulfillment that comes from within, from no longer caring what other people think, do and say.
Today, I feel 20- in the sense of the emotional roller coaster, the hurt, the drastic and devastating let-downs.
Today is the day I will have to face it. Today is the day our friendship died.
posted by Mumbo Jumbo @ 1:27 PM
11 Comments:
Oh MJ, i'm so sorry to hear that.
I read Carmen's post and i related to it immensely, and now i'm reading your post and i relate to it even more, even though the reasons for the split up between me and my friend were different, the pain was the same.
I still dream about her, that we're still friends, and some times we're the worst enemies, although it has been more than 5 years, some times i despise her too, and i imagine if i ever bump into her i will look the other way and embarrass her in front of who ever she is with.
I can't tell you to just forget about it, and i can't tell you things will be fine soon, the stronger the relationship was, the harder it is to forget about it.
Just hang in there, i know how much it hurts, just be strong and it will hopefully pass.
Hi MJ,
I read your blog, but never commented. I can totally relate to what you say, almost the same happened to me recently and i know how it hurts.
I would be glad to come up with idea or advise, but i even dont know what to do in my case.
I know that time cures everything.
all the best
Puppy.
Reading blogs has made me realize that the world is some kind of flux, the same feelings you feel are felt by everybody else, or if not by everybody, then by many people else. Maybe it's human nature, of people living through the same lifestlyles or experiences, to have their basic human instincts pick up on these same emotions that we share in common and which ultimately binds us together...in the bigger picture, which is something we don't really realize except when reading different anonymous people's logged thoughts.
Anyway, my comment may be making an unexpected twist to the corny...so to cut it short, perhaps it should ultimately make us feel better that there is one life force that binds together on some level. I think. And here's for hope that tomorrow of course will be a better day for you.
I think our 30s equip us better to deal with the hardships. We may feel out of control, but we've got the tools to survive.
It hurts like a MF and it's only reasonable. I've regressed back to ANGER with my friend and wish all the ills of the world upon her right now, and that's how I know I'm not over it. I've got to replace this love with indifference not hatred and only when I do that will it stop hurting.
If history has taught us anything it's that all things pass. People change and we adapt to living without them. Such a sad thing to teach our children...
I read Carmen't post too and I've been thinking about it ever since. I guess people will change and those we thought were moving in the same direction as ourselves might take a different direction (either by choice or force). I don't think you have to end your friendship- you just have to renegotiate it. I have a lot of friends- some are friends that I can go shopping with and drool over a pair of shoes that cost what it does to feed a small nation- some I meet up with for deep and meaningfuls over coffee- some are fun but unreliable- some I turn to when I need a sympathetic ear- some I know will be there no matter what- some I know will be there to share good times. I understand that your friend may have been ALL those things to you- but she doesn't have to stop being SOME of those things, does she?
Just a thought.
I think it's sad but true that high school never ends for some people. It hurts too much to lose someone this close, especially to the ugly circle of fakeness.
But people are changing constantly and maybe it's a temporary growing apart.
In all cases, I suppose there is no easy way to deal with this. Life is a lonely lesson.. but it does go on and it does flourish without the people we think are so necessary.
For the moment, I suggest chocolate, hugs and a good cry. Tears are healing.
Hang in there..
I feel with you and what you are going through. This also happened to me a year ago and I thought I would die. It was as if this friendship of ours would take the carpet from under my feet ... and where would I be without her. It has taken its toll on me ... you can say time will heal. I know this is not a consolation, but... As dee-vine said treat yourself to chocolates ... and a good cry is certainly good for the soul.
You know, in your profile you wrote "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" ... however hard it is, it is true.
Have courage!
Thanks, Alluring, Puppy and Noblese.
Seneferu: I completely agree. That's the amazing thing about blogging. It's that you read people's inner thoughts and emotions that maybe you wouldn't know about them in normal every day life unless you were extremely close. What it does, though, is make you realize that so many other people are like you and go through the same experiences.
...and thanks. :)
Carmen, guess the hardest part is having to face that people really do change- no matter how close the bond is.
US- I won't cut her out of my life. I didn't mean it in the literal sense. I mean after what happenned, something inside me changed. She's no longer on a pedestal. You know what I mean? My expectations have changed.
Right now, it's just very raw
emotions that I have.
Dee-Vine: Your prescription for cocolates, hugs and a good cry was just about the right remedy. Thanks, doc. ;)
I completely understand how you feel Mumbo. It can be devastating when we lose a close friend..especially one who we instilled so much trust in. It's funny how reading through all these blogs one realizes that these feelings are so universal. When I lost a really good friend of mine (or so I thought she was) I thought that noone knew what I was going through, but of course we all go through these immense feelings of confusion, pain and disphoria.
I just always tell myself..Life goes on. It hurts, it makes us sad but we move on and it hurts more knowing that while we're agonizing over this deteriorated friendship, they're going on with they're lives.
Take it easy, life goes on, there's a reason for everything :)
Two nights ago, w/o reading either your post or Carmen's, I dreamt that I reunited w/ a college roommate(or spent the whole dream trying), and only ended up w/ woman meant to be her mother. I think we all go through this at some point in our lives.
at least you tried
Post a Comment
<< Home