Calling Egypeter

Enta fein ya ragel? Long time no (hear).
Everything OK with you?

Things You Don't Know About Me

Tagged by Alluring.
They were supposed to be 5 but I got carried away. ;)


1. I have absolutely no interest in chocolate or any sweets for that matter. Walking down the candy aisle in the supermarket doesn't move me. Pickles, however, are a different story. ;)


2. I look much younger than I actually am. When I wear my hair in a pony tail and wear no makeup, I can easily pass for a teenager. I get a lot of "Enti fi sana kam ya habibti? (What grade are you in, sweetie?)
My husband hates it because it makes him look like a pedophile.


3. My deepest fear is for my son to ever get into drugs. I've lost so many people I've known to drugs (both physically and mentally).


4. I think Sharm El Sheikh is heaven on earth.


5. I'm prejudiced against veiled people. I can't help it. My mind automatically paints a negative image.


6. I have never understood advanced math like Calculus. God knows how I ever passed it. My mind was always more artistically-inclined than scientifically.


7. I once beat up a guy when I was 11. He made fun of me so I punched him in the nose. He punched me back. He almost broke my nose.


8. I have really small feet. (I wear size 4.5 US size and 35 Egyptian size.) Sometimes I have to buy shoes that are slightly bigger than my feet out of finding no other choice.


9. I dream of travelling on my own (or with my husband alone) again to Europe, the Far East, Australia (without a kid- the really far distances would be really hard on a 3 year old.)


10. I'm afraid to watch horror films. I can't sleep for days if I do and I become a big baby.


11. I have a terrible fear of heights. I actually get dizzy and nauseaus.


I'm gonna shutup now.

I tag Sukie, Usual Suspect, Seneferu (where is your blog?), Halal Hippie. and I know Forsoothsayer and Carmen have already been tagged. So we're waiting for yours, OK?

Winter Butt Plea

Each winter, my ass decides to get a mind of its own and to double in size. (OK, I'm exaggerating, but it does get bigger!)

I lust over hot chocolate, soup and anything else that's rich and creamy and drips calories.

God damn those hip-hugging, low-waist jeans and pants! When will they go back to making regular-waist jeans?!! I cannot find a single pair of stylish pants that don't leave half your ass and butt-crack hanging out! I mean does the world need to know whether each person is wearing granny panties or a thong and the color of them?

I have the shopping bug and I'm just itching to go splurging on shopping but I can't get my winter butt into these eensy weensy pants that are everywhere!

For the sake of my winter butt, someone get me a pair of normal pants!

Uff!

Fade Away

I promised myself it wouldn’t hurt. I promised myself it wouldn’t bother me. I promised myself it was too late and too much had happened to begin hurting. But I was wrong.

I can’t believe I’m actually crying. I thought I had gone numb over it permanently. It had been clear for a long time now. I was just in denial. Strange. Carmen wrote a post about this recently. The same thing. I read it and thought that I didn’t go through the same stages she spoke about but I was just shoving it aside, blocking it out. Until today. That was the last straw.

It’s over.

I have this uncontrollable urge to call her up and lash out at her. Bring up the past, bring up every single thing. It wasn’t what she did, it was what she didn’t do. How could you go from being soulmates and understanding every unspoken word, feeling every suppressed emotion, to bland nothingness? How could you go from years of spending every single minute together and practically residing at each others’ houses to this eerie void?

I want to throw up. Literally. I feel sick to my stomach, the kind of sick that you get if you’ve just been dumped by a boyfriend or rejected by a crush.

I reacted very passive aggressive today. I dropped a hint to show I was annoyed but I did not directly confront her. Why? I’m very straight-forward usually.
I know why. What good would it do?

Would it make amends? Don’t think so.
Would it bring things back to the way they used to be? Never.
Would it fill in the gaps from things un-said and un-done? Impossible.
Would I be even willing to try after that? No.

It wouldn’t be the same.

What would’ve happened?
She would’ve put me on a guilt trip, blaming me for loading this on her after all she is already going through and how ‘miserable’ she is. She would’ve turned the table on me and made it all seem that it was me who was not there, who did not do, who did not say…
She would’ve had a nervous breakdown following the confrontation and I would feel like shit.

Whatever is bad now would become hideous. Whatever is left of our now insipid friendship turned bitter, spiteful and ugly. Too many people would get involved. Too many people would not understand. Too many people will talk too much about something with so little to do about it. Too many people will make too much of something that is beyond repair.

I believe that anyone who wants to do something, can. Anyone who wanted to be there, anyone wanted to see someone.

Since when did my down-to-earth, simple, free spirit friend become one of them? Since when do we care about Yves Saint-Laurent bags that cost $3,500! Bite me. For the love of God, there are people starving.

Since when do we care about seeing and being seen? Since when do we care about what ‘they’ say? Since when do we judge people? Since when is a person deemed ‘good enough’ by a quick up and down evaluation? Since when can we not attend a wedding if our dress is no less than an Escada? Since when do we name drop?

I guess there is no more ‘we’.

She now lives in a world which I despise, a phony world with phony pleasures and phony friendships. A shallow world based on fraud. I find no appeal in this, I feel no desire to be part of it. On the contrary, it repulses me.

I’ve lived a life a lot of them would never dream of living, spiritually and materialistically, but I am humble enough not to brag about it or walk around flaunting it. It does not make me who I am. It does not put value or worthiness to me. No one will stand at your grave and say, “Allah yer7amha. She had some nice diamond rings.”

Money comes and goes. People don’t.

I keep picking up the phone, feeling the adrenaline run through my veins, then thinking, “What is my goal?”, and putting the phone back down again.

She’s ruined my day. I cannot function and I cannot get my work done. Just when I was thinking, “30 is such a comfortable age. You no longer worry about what people think. You no longer feel the need to win acceptance or belonging.” There is this comfort with one’s self that comes with being 30, sense of self-loving and self-acceptance. A sense of fulfillment that comes from within, from no longer caring what other people think, do and say.

Today, I feel 20- in the sense of the emotional roller coaster, the hurt, the drastic and devastating let-downs.

Today is the day I will have to face it. Today is the day our friendship died.